What is holding me together at the moment?
I would guess this is the sort of question most of us have to ask ourselves at one time or another. For others, I have no doubt they probably think it’s a stupid question and wouldn’t want to give it a second thought.
As my regular followers are aware, depression has been a major part of my life for well over a decade, with the right medication and help, its been kept under control One tends to catastrophise when in certain situations, panic sets in, anxiety levels get high, we think the worst possible scenarios and before we know it were down on our knees asking why me, why now, what have I done to deserve this, and then the rot sets in. Sometimes for so many, unfortunately, the point of no return and the point of meltdown begins. I know all to well from personal experience things can change at the drop of a hat
In a very recent post I described my week from hell. That week was just the start. A great deal more has happened since then. On Friday of last week my temporary contract of employment was up, and despite actively seeking new employment there and else where it seems that has now got to go on hold….for the next few weeks at least, due entirely to a physical health problem that I have had to endure this past couple of weeks finally coming to ahead. On Saturday morning my faithful companion Sootykins died of old age.
My Aunts cancer treatment has had to be delayed by at least another week following problems with her blood pressure, and already being diagnosed as stage 3, that is obviously not a good thing to delay treatment. My two younger cousins are going through a dreadful time at the loss of their mom. All this has left me feeling a little guilty because as a family member I am currently unable to offer my support physically or emotionally to any of them, I suppose namely in fear of knowing what I am going through myself, I will have another breakdown, and won’t be able to hold it together for much longer. Which is why I do ask the question, what is holding me together.
Over the past week after being admitted to hospital last Sunday & Monday and pending further investigation, I have continued to feel generally ‘unwell’ in myself on a physical level. Over this last weekend, things did not improve, come Monday morning I had a great job interview opportunity, which even now thinking about it, I still don’t know how I got through it. Determination I suppose more than anything, but on the way back home from the interview, I began to feel horribly unwell, fever and chills and I nearly passed out on the bus, and I was experiencing an intolerable amount of pain, that no amount of pill popping painkillers would calm down. I had two options to call my GP surgery and get an emergency appointment with one of the GP’s or present myself at A&E again. I wasn’t panicking at this stage, but I was extremely worried and thought the quickest option was to get to see my GP and hope they could resolve the problem quickly. I did mange to get an emergency appointment for later that Monday morning. On seeing one of the GP’s I described the pain, where it was, how I was feeling in general. On taking my temperature which was higher than it should have been, and doing a brief examination I then found myself on way to hospital yet again.
To cut a long story short I had developed an internal infected perineal abscess and haematoma in a rather personal area of the human anatomy. In other words to put it nicely and politely, I couldn’t and still can’t sit down properly!! I was immediately admitted to hospital and advised that I would need emergency surgery under a general anaesthetic, but before that they would need to try to get my temperature down and fight the infection with IV antibiotics and paracetamol and give me some strong pain relief. I don’t remember much about the rest of the day, other than I was sweating buckets and then late in the evening the anesthetist visited me and advised me I would be taken down to theatre as an emergency asap. I remember talking to the surgeon as I went in to theatre and was being put under. Next thing I was being brought around in recovery, fell back to sleep and later waking up on the ward feeling somewhat better than the past several days and finally out of that excruciating pain.
Having been released home last night the recovery process is going to take several weeks. Because this is a wound that has to be left to drain, and therefore cannot be stitched, it means I am going to need the daily services of a local district nurse to daily clean and pack the wound. All this could take anything up to about 6 weeks, in the meantime I can’t actively seek new employment as I am unable to currently travel anywhere by public transport, unable to sit or stand for periods of time and need to continue with two different strong antibiotics for another week in order to get the infection sorted. I have no income coming in and no savings, but still need to pay my bills, and yet with all this going on in my life for some unknown reason I am holding it together, and I have to ask myself the question…Why?
Am I finally beating this depression and not allowing it to overtake my life, or is there another reason?
Is this the calm before the storm?
Or have I finally started to understand how to take control of my depression and keep it at arms length?
Have I developed a new coping mechanism, that even I am not aware of?
May be I have finally found away to deal with each individual problem as they come along, even though this time several have all come along at once again?
May be on this huge battlefield called life I have learnt to win the odd battle here and there and this has made a difference?
May be I have underestimated myself?
So many questions unanswered. I wish I knew the correct answer. I know, as do many others depression just does not go away when it feels like it. Medication is a huge help, but it’s not the be all and end all of the depression.
One more thing I can say for any one who reads my blog and has suffered from this particular type of abscess, you have my sympathy.
Many thanks for stopping by