I was recently asked by a friend as to why I choose to write my own blog. Which is a fair enough question, and I suppose really there are several reasons.
Over a number of years, there have been instances when I have totally felt like giving up on everything, including myself. Just over two years ago I had no real focus on anything, I had again hit rock bottom mentally, but at the advice of my GP I kept a personal diary of my ups and downs, mood swings and personal thoughts, triggers etc. This in a way helped me to not actually cope, but to start to learn how to deal with my depression and thus helped in some small way on my long and bumpy road to recovery.
Last year I looked back over my diary and began to realise what had been happening to me these last two and a half years, what had made me feel worse and what had made me feel better at any given points in time. Writing all this down, in a way encouraged me not just to write down any bad or good thoughts in my head, but also to write from the heart.
By that I mean, when the negative thoughts crept in, I was able to challenge those thoughts by thinking about good thoughts and memories. This in turn, led to I suppose to understand that there is good in every life. It also encouraged me to release those trapped thoughts without actually speaking to any one and putting my problems on anyone else. In a sense it lightened the load for me, not hugely, but enough to make a little bit of difference with my battle for my recovery…..and the progress I have actually made.
My inspiration was alighted again last year in some of the things I used to love to do in my younger years, but found hard to continue with for several years because of all the stress and depression preventing me from taking an interest. Then when my passion did re-awaken for my art/craft, fishing and photography last year, I began to understand that if others suffering from depression can inspire me, then just perhaps, I too can do my part in hopefully inspiring others whom I have met and know are suffering from this illness and its causes to have a similar outlook, and even in the tiniest way help their battle. One of the first steps is being honest with others, and having the courage to come forward and admit you do actually want to be helped. And I have to admit, that sounds a lot easier to do than it really is.
One of my biggest challenges has been setting up my blog last November. Not really being a ‘computer person’ it was actually very scary learning how to create and maintain the blog on my laptop. I still have a great deal to learn about various importing, exporting from the web, media links, tools and all that technical stuff, but that is another challenge for me for another day. At the moment I enjoy being able to write my blog, share my ups as well as my downs, share my art work and photography skills which are steadily starting to develop again, this in turn as well as an improvement in a physical health condition is encouraging me to get out a little more often, (that and the fact that earlier this year following a near breakdown, I was told by my GP and my Counsellor that I needed to start doing what was best for my health and what was best for me) as a result of this I started to take more of an interest in certain things, and I hope others who read my blog or even come across it by accident can understand that what I do write about in my blog comes from the heart. And also that it is difficult to find any way to comprehend it at the time, that no matter how difficult it is, there is a way back from the black hole.
It has been a difficult few months for me again and I know there is a great deal more difficulty ahead for me, but by being able to write my own blog, it enables me to share my experiences and thoughts on how I sometimes think and feel. It’s about reaching out to others, whether or not you suffer or have suffered from depression. For me it is more about writing from the heart, and hopefully it will encourage other sufferers of depression and similar mental health problems to see they are not alone in what they think or feel, whether they have their own blog or not.
I hope that I can continue for a long time to come, to be able to be open, and to share my experiences and thoughts, whether good or bad. But more importantly, I hope I never lose that ability within me to speak from the heart…..because after all isn’t that what makes us human?
Many thanks for stopping by.