I can’t believe we are already half way through another year. Just where has the time gone I wonder. This year hasn’t been that good a year….it seems a lot in my life, especially at the start of this year started to go wrong again. Whether that is entirely my own fault, I really don’t know….some of it was my fault, and I accept that, but the fault also lies at the feet of others, some who are not prepared to understand or even accept their responsibility in the part they played in my downfall earlier this year……..whether knowingly or unknowingly, I refer in particular on a professional level….. something that has left me dangling on a very thin piece of string and messing around with my life and my future for over the last year plus, because it suited their ‘business needs’, and like any corporate business, it’s always about their needs.
As my regular readers may recall, since a little over 12 months ago, 28 other colleagues and I have been under notice of redundancy with our current jobs, where I have been for the last twenty plus years. Officially, our redundancies should have come into effect from today. However, due to the delay in transferring all the processes abroad, where our jobs are going, it means we can keep our jobs just a little bit longer…….because it suits them to have us help them out in all the stages of the transition of the business. In other words they need our expertise and knowledge, even though they no longer need us! In fact, only last week we were advised at our updated one 2 ones, that it appears they now need us until the start of this coming December.
However, for me (and the rest of my colleagues) it is now decision time. Do I hold on until then and take pot luck with getting a new job just before Christmas or may be the new year, or should I start looking now and put in for my early release? It’s a huge step to take, and it’s a massive decision to make, especially so at my time of life. And I still have about 15 years or so ahead of me as an employee, before I can even think about my retirement…….assuming of course I live that long.
The biggest problem is, I don’t even know what it is I want to do, and I have no real idea of the direction I want to head in. I have spent the last 20 years working in the Optical trade. This means I am limited to my future options. By nature I am not an ambitious person, and never really have been. My confidence, or rather lack of it is still a problem. I haven’t had a job interview and neither have I had to learn about ‘interview techniques’ or had to produce a CV in all that time. Several of my friends, family members and other work colleagues have all reminded me that I have a wide and very varied level of knowledge, skills and abilities to offer any new potential employer, something that despite being limited within one area of a particular industry…..can be carried forward and used else where. However getting them interested in interviewing you is in itself a huge step in the right direction. So why is it I don’t have that same confidence in myself?
I have recently received some professional help in producing a brand new CV, and to me it seemed a little strange that the bulk of the CV contained my ‘achievements’ of the past 20 yrs, and I have to stop and question that. The fact that everything I have learnt revolves around that one particular industry. Logically, I suppose I know what others tell me is correct, and that whatever I have learnt over these past few years, can be adapted to a new enviroment, new work place, type of job and new people……along with my sense of loyalty and dedication.
The biggest problem I feel is me being able to change and adapt to a series of new changes within my life, a new work place, a new enviroment, new people, new systems and policies, and a new routine. For me personally, all this is very frightening and it unnerves me considerably. I have had to adapt to changes over the years in the job I have been doing, but these were gradual changes and I coped with them on a gradual basis. This however is something completely different.
To a degree I do enjoy a challenge, but feel sometimes if I push myself too hard and fail, then I will suffer the consequences. On numerous occasions in the past I have found myself pushing myself so hard, not only to the limit but above and beyond my limitations that it has either made me physically unwell, or bought about whether it be short or extended very severe bouts of depression, and then I have to stop and question myself. But at the end of the day I am only human, I am not or never have been….. or will ever become a Superwoman. Nice idea though! But as a result of all this, I have just started to learn and understand my own limitations and abilities……on a physical as well as a mental level……..and I also appreciate the fact I still have a long way to go and a lot still to understand.
Over a number of years I became far too believing and trusting and having faith in others, when in actual fact I suppose what I should have been doing was making the effort in believing in myself, and having more faith and trust in myself and my own abilities. This is however at my stage of life, something I still find very difficult to learn to accept and embrace, despite encouragement from other different sources. Having said that, I have been trying extremely hard to find ‘a right balance’ in my life not just in my work, but also in my hobbies, where upon I have started to incorporate them back into my life again over the past year. As my readers may well be aware of all the photographs I add to my blogs!! I love spending some of my spare time doing photography, and I gain simple satisfaction and relaxation from that. Photography to me is a way of capturing that moment in time, and no two moments are ever the exact same. I love to spend time doing some of my choices in art and craft work, all depending on how the mood at the time takes me…….whether it be sketching, painting in watercolours or scrapbooking and ATCs. They are all I suppose ‘hidden talents’ that over a period of time have come to the surface.
With all my hobbies, some of my levels of abilities are resurfacing and giving me back some little tit bits of my confidence again. Now what I need to do, is to find those levels of confidence in myself for my career and that new job. May be it is time to take a completely different career direction, but not just yet and I still don’t know what I want to do, and I still don’t have enough confidence in myself yet to attempt that completely different direction. What I do now know and even more importantly understand, is that I have a wide range of clerical and warehousing skills and various other abilities and knowledge that I can take forward and adapt into my future job. But it isn’t only the question of what I can or can’t do, it is also the question of what I want to do. I know I will never become an airline pilot, lawyer or a doctor or even a politician, but at the same time I don’t want to sit in an office all day or talk on a phone doing a job that is boring, and does not challenge me and is completely repetitive on a day-to-day basis. I have also found my ability to communicate and talk with people on almost every level has this year taken a huge downward tumble again, so I would prefer to continue to keep myself to myself and hopefully not make any mistakes in that area of my life again…….so that immediately rules out telephone call centre jobs, working in shops and talking to customers.
It’s a big wide job world out there, and I am trying very hard to prepare myself for the next step in my life, and probably one of the biggest challenges I have had to face for a long time. In a way my emotions are very mixed and all over the place….if that makes sense to anyone reading this. I do feel some excitement about the changes that lie ahead of me, but I also feel very nervous about it, I feel very scared and anxious, I feel very unsure and unsettled, I feel a distinct lack of confidence and yet feel that I shouldn’t lack in my own confidence in my own abilities. Well….we shall have to wait and see…..watch this space, because my search for a new job which I hope will lead me to a better life in mid-life begins this week.
Thanks for stopping by.