Another interesting Counselling session recently revealed a weakness of mine……..being too fair to others, but not necessarily to myself!
We all have them apparently, weaknesses that is, some are based on an individual’s character and become strong and defined and helps build those characters, others it appears carry these weaknesses through life without being aware of them even though they are constantly there they are unaware they might be doing more harm than good.
It appears that my problem is I am in some instances far too fair to others and whilst this is a good characteristic it can also be a negative one within my life and defines a mixture of positive and negative energies. Some might even say it’s because I am weak and just can’t be bothered to fight back. But there are after all two sides to every argument!!
I have and still do get treated by some with contempt, some choose to lie to me and as a result have total disregard for my feelings, this is it appears is based on the theory that it suits them and their feelings at the time, this could be that this is their own individuality, their own character, and how it defines them as an individual and because that’s how they feel best to cope in their lives, and in a sense their way to fight back at others, and show others they are not weak or of weak character, and that this is their own individual strength. I have also found that this is because some can be so highly opinionated and delusional about themselves, or can be very arrogant, sarcastic and enjoy ‘putting others down’ and where as this points to them as being their strength within their make up, I feel it can also be their weakness and may one day be their down fall. This being treated with contempt has been happening to me for a number of years, but rather than me stand up for myself and challenge that contempt I have always choosen to accept it and think its just another one of those things and brush it aside……… not because I don’t want to deal with it, but more because I don’t know how to deal with it, or may be it might even be a mixture of both. Because rather than fight back and upset or judge others, I just accept what is happening as being ok and a normal process of my life. I ‘remain fair’ to others rather than upset them, after all this would otherwise only create a sense of terrible guilt within me, and would make my depression even worse. This all goes back to me not showing my anger which my Counsellor and I spoke about several weeks ago. Like anyone else I get angry, but have difficulty in expressing it….I keep it held within me. I’m frightened to express my anger outwardly for fear of creating and showing a ‘negative energy or emotion’.. For me the knowledge is always there that I would rather suppress my anger and frustration than allow myself in a sense hurt others by saying or doing the wrong thing……after all, wouldn’t this just make me as bad as them?
I don’t and wouldn’t get any satisfaction or any sense of achievement at hurting someone, or returning that contempt to them, verbally or otherwise, just because in a sense they have chosen to hurt me. I always try to remain ‘fair’, I have always been that way, and I really don’t know if I want to change that, or change my attitude to others, because after all it is a characteristic within me, and I feel comfortable in the knowledge that I am a ‘fair person’, and I always hope I will remain that way…… and somehow I just don’t see myself as the incredible hulk! In a way I can understand why some might see it as a weakness within me, and also that this may have had a hand in my depression, or even dealing with my depression. But at the end of the day we are all different, it defines who and what we are……..and if other people can’t accept me for being who or what I am, then they are the one with the problem……not me.!! So as far as I am concerned, depression or not, I would much rather remain that fair person now and in the future……it is after all a part of me.