As my regular readers will be aware, during the past 3 to 4 months I went through a rather traumatic time in my life yet again. So much so I allowed myself to come to the point of self-destruction and far too close to a breakdown. This wasn’t intentional, it just happened with overworking, health, relationships and major disappointments which are all worries that consumed my life again, be it again all at once. When it comes to depression or anxiety it’s so much easier to push that self destruct button…..even in the dark, than to find the on/off switch. Luckily, this time I did find the right switch just in the nick of time.
No one ever said life was going to be easy. I sometimes wonder if when were all born, God or some high being in the universe stands there and points a finger at individuals and chooses how good or how bad that person’s life is going to be. ”ok then, you, you and you will have a great, fantastic and wonderful life, but hey you there life will be a bit of a struggle but it will be good”. And then there is me right at the back of the queue……..” sorry Sue but you’re in for a really rough ride, but you might just serve a purpose, and one day you will understand and know what that purpose is’ Well God…..guess what……I’m still waiting!
Ok, so that might all be a little far-fetched, but hey you have to laugh sometimes. Believe it or not despite the seriousness of some of my blogs I do have a sense of humour. But one thing I have learnt to understand is not to be overly optimistic or pessimistic. In truth I am and always have been a very logical person and a realist, and I do have a tendency to see and understand things for what they actually are, rather than what might or might not be. I have learnt over the years, too much optimism can and does lead to major disappointments and hurt, and when this does happen I go into this state of keeping myself to myself, and cutting myself off from conversation and interaction socially and at work. Perhaps therefor this is the right year to change my job before I get much older. I only tend to speak or communicate when there is a necessity to do so. Life can get so predictable at a work, constantly around the same people day in day out,year after year, that eventually conversation becomes a chore….very much like the task set that day for you to do. As the bouts of depression takes a hold on me I then have this tendency to shut myself away from all conversations and people and activities,…other than about the job itself. For me personally it is far easier to keep myself to myself, not get involved with anyone or anything, that way the logical thinking is if I don’t say anything at all, then I can’t say the wrong thing, and no one will get hurt or be affected by it….except posssibly only me.
Last summer, whilst going through a stage of my recovery, I met a lady, who was a fellow sufferer of this illness. I suppose in all reality, to actually be able to be properly open about my illness for the first time, to any one in my mind made a huge difference for me. But what I also have begun to realise these past couple of weeks, was because we had a lot in common, it meant for the first time in almost nearly two years, I felt that conversation was stimulating and interesting for me, I suddenly felt the need to converse about ordinary things. Last year all of a sudden the floodgates opened up, and I actually felt like conversing…..two years of thinking inside my head suddenly developed over a period of a few short months into being able to be open about my illness and talk about it, but to also talk about anything on any level, something I hadn’t managed for a while whether it be face to face, fb, email or what ever else. Where as this helped me to some degree, it had I found out recently didn’t have the same positive effect on someone else, in fact I understand they didn’t understand this is what or why this happened to me………but then how could they know or understand when I am only just beginning to understand it myself. in a way it became a short adrenalin rush.
So I have once again come to a very logical understanding and conclusion……here we go again….its Mrs Spock at the helm……keeping myself to myself is the best option, that way no one gets upset…..only me, and I would think after all these years I would be used to it now. That doesn’t mean to say I will completely shut myself off again, after all I have my blogs and fellow bloggers. Sometimes the only way I can actually deal with this damn illness is to be on my own, and to shut myself away from the world. So you see folks solitude is my friend……and my foe, unless some divine power up there changes their minds and helps me to understand my purpose in this vast universe.
I came across this poem earlier, and it got me thinking……and some people get frightened when I start to think!!
In solitude I remain
With absolutely nothing to gain
Perhaps in time I will be strong
You see! Solitude is not my favourite song.
A solitary place
is not where I belong
Read my lips and trace the lines on my face
You see! Solitude is not my favourite song.
But social isolation
Combined with social manipulation
Places me once again in solitude
You see! Solitude is not my prefered attitude.
This isn’t a journey of spiritual enlightenment
As some people might say to my resentment
But in great loneliness of this magnitude
I must find some self-awareness in solitude.
I must find strength and pretend
That everyone around me is my friend
To put this state of scale of evaluation to an end
I must pretend I must pretend
That even Solitude is my friend.
Have a good weekend folks, I’m going to rest this damn knee of mine and lock myself away for the weekend and do some art and craft…….and talk to my rabbit, Wow……just imagine if I was Dr Doolittle, and my Sootykins could talk back to me, what a great conversation we could have then!