This has to be the most difficult blog page I have had to write to date! And if there is one particular person who does decide to read this page, and they know who they are, and if I have to get down on my blessed hands and knees and beg forgiveness then I am prepared to do it…..for speaking out of term on Saturday!! Today is the first time in over three months I have been able to think clearly and straight.
This year hasn’t been a very good start for me, certainly not as good as I had hoped it to be. Since just before Christmas I have been on a very slippery slope, through no ones fault but my own.
My recovery process had been doing well last year, and I suppose then as you start to feel better you believe you become invincible, your own endurance pushes you to new limits. Trouble was I saw the warning signs at the start of this year that I was heading for another breakdown and in all honesty I chose to ignore those signs. I knew in January I was under tremendous stress, and even suffered a couple of instances where I became a little paranoid, however already being on the medication I mistakenly believed it would pass and in due course I would be ok again. Call it stubbornness and stupidity if you must. My answer to all my mounting problems was to throw myself in to my job and do hours and hours of overtime, thinking I suppose my problems would go away as if by magic, and hope by earning the extra money it would give me that little bit more financial security for the foreseeable future, and would probably make me feel a little less insecure on all other levels.. I can see what I was really doing was making the situation worse by not actually facing up to the fact that I am a mere mortal, I am not invincible and I am a lot older than I was 10 years ago when I reacted in the same way……back then I thought the answer was to throw myself into my work, and back then it definitely did help. Luckily just in the nick of time a few weeks ago I pulled up on the reigns and went to see my GP and admitted to her by explaining to her that many different things were going on in my life still, which were rolling over from last year was actually causing me to struggle along. In order to help me cope she has had to increase my medication, hopefully just to get me through this bad time until I get myself back on track again, the increased medication has taken a few weeks to kick in and over the last 48 hours I have started to notice a difference in my mood. I know I’m still not out of the woods just yet, but my mind is working better and again I am starting to feel just a few snippets of positivity, including the fact that there is hope on the horizon about forthcoming treatment for a health problem. I believe I am now starting to move in the right direction again, I know it’s not going to just happen over night, and I still have a long way to go, I did it before and I can do it again, but in the process I am going to have to be a little bit selfish, but for all the right reasons. So I have decided to cut right back down on the extra work load and overtime, be kind to myself and do what I want to do for the right reasons. The overtime will be there over the next 6 months, and I will do some of it but this time I will pace my self very steadily so as not to fall back into the same trap again. So if I do start slip downwards again……permission granted to kick ass…..mine!
It seems that over the years I have been good at looking after others needs and giving them positive advice but never able to put it into practice for myself. but I sense that so many of us do that anyway. So what good is that if you cant take your own advice?
I will need a little time to heal myself again, I need to find the time to be kind to myself. I am lucky that last year through the help of a dear friend I was able to find a new interest and passion in life in the form of Scrapbooking and ATCs, and this year I want to do a lot more on that front. Having the ability to be creative in that context, to be able to develop something from scratch is very rewarding on a personal level. Then with the summer months just around the corner, I hope to enjoy going fishing again, providing of course the bladder treatment works, if it does this should be a huge bonus. These are two great ways to help lower my stress levels. And the next time someone offers me some very wise advise…like be careful not to over do it, then I will stop and listen.
In my session with my counsellor this week we talked again about expressing anger and frustration, it seems that most of us have the ability to express it outwardly by doing something on a negative level, but it can apparently work just as well by doing something very positive. As a good example he spoke of Bob Geldoff, and how he expressed his emotion and anger and frustration some years ago over the famine situation in Africa, he turned something very negative into something very positive by creating and setting up Live Aid. I don’t ever have the intention of doing something on that scale, but it does make sense. Doing something to calm the frustration and anger down could work just as well as doing something negative. And I feel that my art and craftwork is just the ticket.
My biggest downfall for many years is that I have learned to cope with most of the negative things in my life on my own, namely because most of my time apart from work is spent on my own, too proud to admit I do sometimes need the help of others, because I saw it as my own individual weakness. And yet again I almost paid the price by allowing my stress levels to build up, thinking I could control it on my own rather than let it control me. Again I was wrong, and it was my own fault for not seeing my GP at the start of this year when I knew back then something was wrong. We all have uncertainties to face about our futures, no one is exempt…….and that even includes HM the Queen. Its how we choose to deal with all of those uncertainties, I chose the wrong option. A week in hospital last week sent me stir crazy with all the high levels of anxiety, the sheer exhaustion of that week and these past few months of all the extra work had a massive impact, the huge worry about losing my job and what happens to me after that, my health problems that I have had to deal with over these past few years…it all built up. Instead however I chose to ‘say’ totally the wrong thing to someone over the week-end, and I believe it may have come across that I was blaming them…….unfortunately unless that person reads this particular blog they will never know how sorry I am for saying what I said or how I said it. That person told me not so long ago, depression does not discriminate, it can happen to anyone at any time. How true that is.
So it is time to ease up, after all I’m not getting any younger, next month I will be 47 and I want to be able to calmly drift into 50 rather than it hit me out of the blue because I haven’t given myself more me time. It is very difficult to admit when your wrong and in this case I was, I saw the warning signs and should have been more careful and heeded them, it was no ones fault but my own for believing I was Superwoman!
An early night for me tonight, after a little craft work, but first a slice or two of humble pie!!