In a recent session with my Counsellor we talked about having choices taken from me, things being out of my hands, or that I have no say over the outcome. We can all hope certain things turn out the right way and we make every effort to reach our goal or destiny. But there are a lot of things that we have no control over, however much we like to think that we do, but sometimes it has to be left in the hands of the Gods.
One of the points he made was that my recent severe drop in my low mood and increase in stress levels has most likely been down to the fact there is so much going on my life and therefor affecting me because the majority of this requires decisions surrounding my future but decisions or control that have been taken out of my hands, decisions others are making for me and that I basically have no real control about my future. I don’t want to lose my job…..but that decision was made for me by others. When I apply for new jobs, someone else will decide whether or not I even get an interview, let alone get the job. I don’t want to suffer depression, but circumstances decide that for me.
Next week I go into hospital for a week of specialised treatment and monitoring, irrespective of how positive or negative I may feel about the outcome or how hard the specialist team work with all their skill and knowledge, at the end of the day the decision is not mine as to whether or not the treatment works and whether or not it will change the quality of my life. They can only do what they can do, ultimately I am in their hands, but what they decide to do and how it all works out is down to fate. Hand in hand with that, is the fact that what jobs I am able to go for in the future is out of my hands until I know if the treatment is successful or not. The success or the failure of the treatment will decide for me……so again this is not my decision. So all this leaves me in a state of ‘limbo’ which lets face it is no good for anyone. And yet the strange thing that occurs to me is that once that decision is made for me, whatever the outcome, only then will I be in a position to decide and be in control of what happens beyond that.
We will just have to wait and see what the Gods have in store for me!!