Despite the progress in my recovery throughout the latter part of last year, I have sensed that I am finding myself dipping slightly downwards again these past few weeks, and I am finding it difficult to amass the physical or mental energy to fight back. So much has been happening these past couple of months that has caused this, but most of it is unfortunately out of my hands, or at least anyway for the time being it is.
It’s difficult to pinpoint any exact cause, but I suppose I sense that there are several ‘trigger points’ that have happened over these past few weeks….most of it concerning my future regarding my job and livelihood and the state of my physical health and other disappointments and setbacks.
I spoke in my recent blogs of what is happening at work. Over theses past few years, especially when I have been at my worst with my depression, I have continued to carry on working rather than take time off on sick leave for any indefinate period of time although my GP advised me to. But I had to do what I felt was right for me at the time. Being single and living on my own, I suppose I was frightened of what would happen to me being stuck inside the same four walls day after day, night after night suffering from anxiety and depression. I suppose in a way, my work has been my way of copeing throughout the worst of my depression, and yet the strange circumstances I find myself in now I have to stop and question myself about what I am doing, and am I doing it for all the right reasons. Because after all the way I am feeling currently is mainly down to the situation regarding work. But I really do not know what the right answer is. And in all honesty I don’t think I ever will find the right answer.
Again I find I am’ throwing myself into my work’, so much so that with the large volume of work we have to get through in such a short period of time that I am working between 8 and 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. I suppose by working all these hours in my job it is my way of dealing with the current bouts of anxiety, feelings of rejection, low self esteem and low confidence, but whilst I am doing all this extra work it helps me in a small way to take my mind of what is going on and stops me thinking too much about all the other stuff that affects me deeply. Although to some, all this extra work, may seem to them like this could be the cause of how and why I have been feeling like this of late. But even so, by focusing on my work for the present, it helps me, but even I know this does not resolve anything long term. These past few days I have been fighting one hell of a bad cold, which has now gone to my chest and despite this I have chosen to continue to carry on working the long hours, rather than give in and admit defeat, because if I do give in then I might as well give up. I sense this is wrong, but what the heck, sometimes you have to just battle on and keep hopeing everything will turn out ok, and that eventually you will be fit again. Although I know I am not far away from physical exhaustion, I find that it is somewhat helping in small way to help me cope with my current mental state. I just wish I knew where the balance between the two is.
But of course the irony of all this, is the fact that with my current job is coming to an end this year, and with all the circumstances surrounding how that has come about, some colleagues would do totally the opposite to what I am doing, and I suppose if I didn’t suffer from this illness, my attitude might possibly be the same as theirs. Why should I push myself so hard into doing a job and all these long hours for a job that in a few more months I won’t have?
If there was any clear cut answer to all this, I wish to God I knew what it was. I sometimes wish I could stop this world, jump off it, clear my mind of all negative thoughts and then when I felt ready…. jump back on again.
Maybe the first appointment with my Counsellor next Wednesday will help me realise where it is I’m going wrong. I wonder if he can also interpret these really weird and upsetting dreams I have been having this past week!!