I can’t believe how in the space of four days I have spiralled so far downwards with my negative mood and emotions. Although these past few weeks since Christmas haven’t been that good, I have tried to stay on top of things and I suppose hoped that all these feelings of insecurity, self doubts and dwindling confidence would pass. Even with CBT strategies in place, which have partly worked, but at this point in time are completely useless.
Even my scrapbooking has had to sit on my table untouched for four days and nights, because I just simply don’t have the enthusiasm or the inclination to do it. It’s so ironic that work is the one medium that is keeping me going at the moment, and yet it is also work and the work place politics that has caused this despair these past few days, amongst other problems on a personal level.
I wish I understood why it is I am such a sensitive person with certain situations. Today has been a day that has drained me physically and emotionally, because of the effort to stop myself crying in front of my work colleagues not just once or twice but most of the day, and yet most of them have shown the emotions of outward anger, frustration and hostility at what has been happening at work these past few day’s I suppose the truth of the matter is, I have been expressing the same emotions, but in a different way. I can’t help but wonder why we all react so differently under the exact same circumstances. May be it’s something to do with inward or outward way we express ourselves, I wish I knew so I could press the reset button……may be then I wouldn’t be so sensitive and deal with things in a better and more confident way.
It’s at times like this I wish I could sit and talk to someone openly about my feelings, but without getting emotional. This alone makes me feel embarrassed to show my emotions in this way, and in itself makes me even more emotional and vulnerable. As a result of this I withdraw myself away from my family and friends until I can feel I am in a ‘better state of mind’. The past couple of days have left me with so many mixed emotions that I really don’t know which way to turn, and for some reason I sense that I may have in some unknown way ‘offended’ a friend and as a result of this plans have changed, this in itself makes me feel worse about myself. I hate myself for ever knowingly or unknowingly offended or upset anyone. So if I have offended or upset you in any way Mrs A, and I say if, because I really don’t know, then I do sincerely apologise for that.
So for the next few days at least, until I can pick up the broken pieces and try to mend myself, I will be having a break from my blog and trying to get my head together to face the many dilemmas I have in front of me over these next few months….. and to also try and get myself back on the road to recovery mentally and physically. When I feel ready then I will be back.