With the Christmas period now out-of-the-way and all the turkey and tinsel a mere memory, its time for me to take a look at my future. This is something I have put on the back burner, but now will play a significant part in my life over the coming months.
In a few weeks time I will have to spend a week in hospital for some specialist treatment on a long-term physical health problem. This treatment will either make or break me. If it succeeds then I will be able to, I hope, live a normal life. If however it doesn’t work then there are going to continue to be massive limitations and complications in my life, which I somehow have got to find away to adapt to.
My main concerns are surrounding the loss of my job this year, and although I don’t yet have a date when this is going to happen, I do know it is a matter of a mere two to six months from now, and looking for a new job in a period of time that has many uncertainties for millions of people is not made any easier if you suffer from self-doubt, lack of confidence or low self-esteem as a result of depression.
Whilst 2010 had many lows for me and took me to the very edge of my survival, I do feel that having made a significant recovery in 2011 and having had several highs, that this coming year is going to be a real challenge for me and a ‘mixed bag’ of good and bad. Although I am not a pesamist….as some people would have you believe, I do try to be realistic and logical and hold some optimism, although this at times can be very difficult.
I have always carried my work duties out with a sense of pride, dignity and a high level of self-discipline. My managers and team leaders have told me over the years that because I am meticulous and very careful in what ever job I am given to do, that they have no problem in giving me projects to lead, knowing that I will do my utmost to ensure the job is done right, even if sometimes it means being slower than some. I have always believed if a job is worth doing then it is worth doing well. Some even say I am intelligent….Mmmm I will leave that one for you to make up your own minds about!!
And whilst I have these qualities to offer any new perspective employer, I can’t help but feel that sense of self-doubt creeping in, and making me feel that in this day and age this isn’t always what an employer wants from a new employee. I have to ask myself what job I will do, how will I adapt and fit into a new environment with new people, will I be able to cope in the same way, do I need to tell my new employer and colleagues about my depression, how will the new job affect my well being……and the list of questions is endless, and the worst of it is…right now I just don’t have any answers. May be sometimes that is a good thing.
One of the decisions I will have to make is what sort of job I want to do for the next few years, I also have to consider the implications if this treatment does fail, then irrespective of what I want to do, it will dictate to me what job I can and can’t do. And it will also dictate to me how I live my life in general.
All in all a very challenging year ahead for me. My one hope is that I will be able to lose all my in abilities, and rise to the challenges in front of me and meet them head on. In the meantime, we are extremely busy with my current job, which is in itself very ironic. I also have a holiday to look forward to in the spring, which I hope will help me to recharge my very depleted batteries and might even give me some new ideas for the future.
So for the time being…..carry on regardless!!