It has dawned upon me these past few days that despite all the negativity that has been going on in my own personal life, that there are also some very positive aspects of it that makes me ‘feel good to be alive’ again . This is something that even as short a time as 8 or 9 months ago I never thought would ever be possible to think or feel that way ever again.
This doesn’t mean to say I’m ready to take on the world again yet, far from it, or in fact that I can claim that I have regained my former self confidence or self esteem. But of late even I have been able to sense that little things and that people have made quite a difference. A little bit of being positive.
For instance, as little as a year ago no matter how hard I tried, and no matter what I was told by my GP, and a handful of family and close friends who knew of my illness, however hard they tried to make me see and understand any and all positive aspects of my life…… unfortunatley, I just couldn’t and wouldn’t accept any of what they were telling me. Such is the way that this depression takes control of your mind. But I have now started to see my life in a different way, I liken it to a journey through a maze…..you know once your inside the maze that there IS a way through it, regardless of all the dead ends you come up against, you have to keep on looking and going forward and don’t give up. So to me it is very much like being in this wilderness and lost, and finding so many obstacles to overcome, but you learn to overcome those obstacles and fight your way out to the other side. I know that would seem easier said than done to most, but there has to be a starting point for each and everyone of us. I have been very fortunate in the past few months to have met several people who in their own individual way have helped ‘guide’ me through this maze……and I thank you all.
One of the ways I have started to gain a little of my self confidence back, is to get involved in doing things that bring out my artistic and creative abilities (such as they are) By setting myself a goal and a certain level of standard at doing something, as a result of something I recently had a go at, I feel that I have achieved something and for the first time in a long long time I have felt a sense of pride in what I have done. Overall, I think a pleasing result, for the recipient as well as myself.
Amongst some of the interests in my life over a number of years and things that I have so enjoyed doing are watercolour painting & sketching, and far more recently I have fell in love with the art of scrapbooking. All of which are very theraputic and they challenge me in many ways, but mostly to be creative…….and as a result of this and more importantly this sense of achievement is helping to re establish my self confidence a little bit more at a time. I am aware I still have a very long way to go in getting to where I want to be in the future, but a few steps in the right direction is what makes it all worth while. And even if I fail at it….at least I can say I had a go. As a friend and colleague at work keeps saying to me ‘you gotta make the most of it , like cus life’s too short en it’.
So once again I am starting to, bit by bit, enjoy my life again and I want to try and harness these good feelings for the storms that I know lie in front of me, if I can do that, then I’m sure I can push on through that maze and overcome those obstacles.