During the past few months a great deal has been happening in my personal and professional life. Some big changes have come about, which although they won’t come in to force just yet, I have to take stock of the situation and make some big life changing decisions now and in the very near future…..and I say future, because right now I feel like I’m in a good place, and have a little’ more energy’ to fight this battle against depression and to allow myself a future.
A year ago , I was again ready to give up on everything in my life, including my life itself. At that point in time, I had and still do have an as yet fully undiagnosed problem with my bladder which affects every aspect of the quality of my life…and to coin a phrase it was, ‘the straw that broke the camels back’. Although at that point in time I did have a secure job, I had financial worries that left me feeling very insecure, I hadn’t had a holiday in almost 12 years and my life was just generally unsettled, and over a period of several months I began to retreat into a dark hole with this ever constant battle going on in my mind fighting and justifying why it is I deserved to live. At one point I sat on the edge of my bed and had a bottle of whisky and 4 box’s of different tablets in front of me, I tried to gain the courage to end my life and I tried to justify why I should go on living….but as I sat there I can remember thinking If I make this decision, I must make sure I succeed in ending my life and not make a mess of it like everything else. Then I realised knowing my luck….that’s exactly what I would end up doing…making a complete mess of ending it all. I went to bed each and every night hopeing that I would die in my sleep and not to have to wake up and face anyone or any situation ever again. I even questioned my own religious beliefs, because I felt that even God had deserted me in not allowing me to die.
As time went by I was encouraged by two work friends and colleagues who both know me very well, to make an appoinment to go and see my doctor, which I did. Inspite of being put on the Fluoxetine immediately, it took a while for the medication to have any posititive effect, and I still had my doubts about wanting to carry on living. Earlier this year I was able to attend a six week course on CBT techniques. Within a very short space of time, despite the start of my recovery, I was told that I was going to be TUPEd over to another company on 1st July and within 12months of that date,although I would still be working at the same premises doing the same job, that after 20 years service I would be made redundant along with 28 others.
The decisions I have to make are now based on where my future is heading. It’s worrying and frightening to say the least about losing ones job after that length of time for any strong minded individual, let alone a sufferer of depression. My main concerns are…., What job will I do? How will I settle in to a new job, in a new enviroment, with new people? It is all so undaunting. So the decision I have made is not to yet make any decisions about the future in repsect of my job, but to sit it out and wait until the time……which we have been advised is from March 2012 onwards. Until then it is out of my hands.
I think back to a year ago, and wonder if this was happening back then with my job, how would I have reacted then, would I have looked at this with the same positive attitude then as I do now. Somehow I dont think so. Ive come a long way since then. And I feel that despite all the negative things going on in my life, some good things have and will happen again.
I have made one clear cut decision in the last few weeks……and with a gap of 12 years since I last had a holiday, I have thought about and in actual fact decided and now booked up to go on holiday next year in April with my dear friend Caroline. And this is giving me something to look forward to as we head towards yet another year of uncertainty. But as I am being told ‘little steps’.!!
It’s strange how certain decisions can make you feel good and positive about your future.